BL WTF????

So was it "game play" or did Jillian's team honestly think that Joelle will magically change by staying in the game one more week? She has given up on herself I think. She isn't really seeing big results on the scale and she has it in her head that she can't do it. I've been there, I know how she feels. Although I have to say that I'm getting really tired of her "poor me" attitude. EVERYBODY, including her partner at home, is working hard. They are all having to do 30 sec sprints with the bike set at the highest level. Like Bob said "Just shut the f up and do it!!!!".

As many of you read this morning I was in a funk, and had been for a few days. I did a few things to get myself out of it.

1) I went to a job fair for a new business opening in my area. 4 interviews later, they are checking my references and will hopefully be calling in the next week or two with a job offer. I don't want to say too much here. I don't want to jinx it, I really want this job!!!!!

2) I went to yoga. While I'm still not comfortable with the difference in style, it felt good to put my body through its paces.

3) I watched BL which is always good for a dose of inspiration. I sat on the couch for the first hour and then thought "Why not get on the treadmill??? You don't have to go hard if you don't want to just as long as you do it." So I did and got a 5km walk in.

Thank you to every one who commented on my last post. I really, really appreciate it.

I like getting compliments :-D

I got a lovely compliment today from a friend of mine. As we met at our coffee shop, she looked at me and said "You're disappearing". What a nice thing to say. I know that I'm no where near skinny minny proportions yet, but it is nice to know that the work I am putting into this process is being noticed.

I ran into my dad down there too. He is starting to look a lot better. My mother and he have also started to watch what they are eating and revving up the exercise. Daddy has had some heart issues in the past year. He and his doctor's are trying to control his symptoms through medication and diet, rather than resorting to more drastic measures. The med's weren't doing it all and he really thought that he was going to have to have some surgical interventions before he would feel any relief. I'm glad to say that the loss of only 10 lbs (so far) has really helped him. He has way more energy, and is actually eager to play with his grandkids again.

Daddy took me to the grocery store too and stocked us up with some fresh fruits and veggies. Things have been really tight financially for us. I have had 10 days of substitute teaching since September. That's it. My 10% contract pay doesn't even cover the mortgage. DH has been working all the hours he can to make a little extra but it hasn't been enough lately. I NEED a new job. I just don't understand what I have done, or not done, to make me so undesirable in my chosen profession. It probably isn't even me, it's just the system.

Enough with being a sad sack. Tomorrow is weigh in and I think the best I can hope for is a STS. I've been really on plan all week (except for the crap I ate yesterday) but I'm coming to the conclusion that following a big loss, my body bounces back a bit. This two steps forward one step back may just be the way it is for me. I have to accept it and move on and not beat myself up about it. I know that I've given it my level best for this week.


Today's eats: /25
Egg Mock Muffin (-6) 6/25
Dreadmill (+5) 6/30
Coffee (-1) 7/30
Potato w/ ham slice (-7) 14/30
Homemade pizza on a pita bun (-8) 22/30
Salad (-1) 23/30
2 Apples with peabutter dip (-5) 28/30

Happy New Year!!!

I just wanted to wish all of you a wonderful and healthy 2009. I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from all of you.

Thank You!!!!

We are off to my Aunt B's tonight to spend New Year's with my extended family. There will be lots of card playing, a little bit of drinking (Aunt B makes the best slush), and probably more than a bit of junk food. I'm going to do my best to stay as far away from it as possible, but I have quite a few points left for today.

Wish me luck!

Reflections on BLBE 1st edition

This challenge didn't go exactly as I had expected. I really had hoped to loose about 20 lbs. I ended up loosing 9.8. I have to continually remind myself that this is a good thing. It may not be where I wanted to be, but it is still nearly 10 lbs I will never again see on my body.

I continued to report each and every week, even when my results were discouraging. I felt like I reported a gain more than I reported a loss but in reality I was 8 out of 14 for losses. Seeing as I lost about 50% of what I wanted, that makes sense.

I had hubby take some "end of challenge" pics of me. My original ones are here. There are definitely some changes in my body.

It is quite obvious that I still have a long way to go. And that is what BLBE #2 is going to help me do!!!!!

Good Luck to all my fellow BLBE challengers, last edition and next!

New year, new me!!!!

I'm really excited about this year coming up! It's going to be the Year of ME!!! I can just feel it. I'm going to make it the year of me. I am going to get the weight off once and for all. I was able to loose 40lbs total in 2008 without really working at it too hard for 8 months of the year. Imagine what I could do with a little effort and focus.

I'm not going to make any "resolutions". I've already made the changes I need to make. I just have to stick with it and incorporate those changes into my whole life. My goals for this year are very simple. I have none. A goal that spans the whole year is too big for me. I get lost along the way. So I am going to try to make small weekly goals. And post them for ALL to see. And comment on, and call me on if/when I fail to live up to them.

That being said, there are a few things I would like to do this year.

I want to be able to participate in my very first 5km run. The local Johnny Miles is in June and that is where I am setting my sights. The Run for the Lobsters (part of Lobster Carnival) is then in July and I'd like to do that too.

I would like to find a new job/career. I've been really unhappy with the teaching profession as of late. I love the job, it's just all the hoops you must jump through and, frankly, butts you have to kiss in order to get a job, it's just ridiculous. I've been teaching for 12 years now and kids graduating university are getting jobs ahead of me. I think it is time for a change. I still have no idea what I will do, but there has to be a career out there for a motivatied woman like myself.

I want to do some things to improve myself this year (hence the year of me!!!). I started taking yoga in the fall and I really loved it. I would like to take some courses this year as well. Nothing in particular, and nothing really focused on my CAREER. Just some fun things to take. Like a low fat cooking class, ballroom dancing or maybe improve my French. Who knows. (maybe even photography, a closet passion of mine)

Well have a great day my friends and fellow bloggers. Thanks for "listening" to my rambling.

Focus on the good!!!

So, just in case no one has noticed, I have been very depressed about just about everything for about a month now. I should be really happy that I am loosing...slowly to be sure but still it is better than staying the same, or worse, gaining again. Instead I feel really crummy. I hate my job (not the kids or the teaching but everything else). I've been crabby and bitchy to my family. Just generally not a nice person to be around, hell I don't even want to be near me lately.

I need to focus on the positives.

1. Today when teaching a few children some skipping games I was a) able to jump!!! and b) my pants kept slipping a leetle to far down. One of my little Primaries said "Um, excuse me Mrs. ... I think those pants are WAY too big!" God love her!
2. I can now walk 5 km and not be ready to die when I finish. In fact I can probably do more. I feel like I could start to walk/jog but I'm a little scared to do that because I don't want to get stress fractures or shin splints etc.
3. I am 38.8 lbs lighter than I was a year ago.
4. I can wear a size 18 pant and 16 top whereas last year it was a 22 for both (hence the incredibly falling pants LOL).
5. My mother keeps commenting on how "fit" I look. I like how she doesn't say that I've lost weight, because she knows that the exercise is the far bigger challenge for me.
6. I am making better choices about what goes in my mouth 80% of the time. And that percentage WILL improve.
7. I've lost an inch off my bust and 2 inches off my waist. (nothing off the hips yet but it'll come)

Whenever I feel crappy I'll come back and read this list.

I can't believe I forgot to put a title on this post ;)

Sorry I've been away for a bit. Wind storm blew through this weekend and my phone line (and therefore internet) was down until this afternoon.

I know that I promised that TOM would not derail me this time but I was wrong. I get so miserable. All I want to do is eat and hide from the world. I hardly did any exercise, although I did get back on track today. I just don't know how to handle this. I guess I'm going to have to work extra hard on the other three weeks.

I don't think that I'm going to reach my goal of 220 by the end of the BLBE. I haven't even gotten to the halfway point yet. I'm trying not to be defeatist but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed when Dec 27th rolls around. I'll be happy with anything that is lower than my start weight but I really think 220 is out of my reach now.

Remebering Grandfather

Today was a real mixed bag of good and sad.

Good:

Went swimming with the kids and hubby. What a fun way to spend an hour. DS did very well. He still swims with a life jacket and today was the very first time he was actually swimming on his belly with an almost flutter kick. He usually just sort of spins around in circles or takes f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get where he wants to go. Today he was just a motoring along. It was great to see. Getting much more independant. DD did a lot of swimming in the deep end and just loving showing Mom and Dad what she could do.

Sad:

Rememberance Day

This year was especially hard. It was the first Rememberance day since my Grandfather passed away. I grew up next door to him and Nanny so we were very close. In fact my children are named after them (my son's name is the Gaelic form of his), and my son also shares his birthday with Grandfather (not that I tried to have him 12 days late ;)).

My uncle laid the wreath in honour of Grandfather. He looked wonderful in his uniform (he is a police officer). We all cried. Grandfather did so much with the Veteran's in our community. We have a Veteran's Wing at our local hospital and every year he and my Mom would plant a garden for the vet's to enjoy and care for. He served in WWII and was part of the Plum Bob tests in Nevada in the late 50's and early 60's (nuclear tests). I miss him terribly and I am so honoured to have him be my Grandfather.

Here are some collages my Mom did at the time of his funeral. Gives you a bit of sense of what kind of man he was. The wedding photo is my brother and sister in law.

Nova Scotia Music Week Awards Gala!!!!!!!!!

Things have been going well. We had some movies to return yesterday and I needed a walk so I figured I would just combine the two. While not my "regular" route it was just as long, I think (have to go out today in the car and clock it). I have been chosing to go up the really steep hill on the way home. I could chose a gentler way to get home but it is kind of my daily fitness test. I like to see how long it takes me to get my breathing back to normal when I get to the top. I have to say that yesterday was the first day I started to notice a difference. YAY!!!

I started to write down my points again yesterday. It had been a very long time (like 3 weeks) since I had done that. Not good. I have to keep on top of it because I suck at "keeping track" in my head. I absolutely need to see it in writing.

I am going to the Nova Scotia Music Week Awards Gala tonight!!! DH has a press pass (and does actually have to do some work while there) and the station had some extra tickets, so he scooped one for me. Mom and Dad are taking the kids for a sleepover (they don't have school Monday). It is going to be soooo much fun I can't wait.

George Canyon is the host (good old local boy) and there will be tons of great performances. Apparently Fleur Manville is going to be able to perform as well which is wonderful.

I need to get some laundry done today so that I can chose a good outfit for the show tonight.

Odd happenings!

A good day today! Spent the morning with my mom, talking about what kind of house she and Dad are going to buy/build. They sold their house this summer (but are still living in it for the next two years until the buyer can move here from California). They have some time to make a decision so it is fun to look at real estate listings and floor plans. Just one of those little bonding things we do :)

As far as exercise went, Mom and I walked for about 35 minutes on the trail. Not as good as my regular route but better for her (less ups and downs). I have eaten well, as in no snacking.

Something very odd happened today. Mom gave me two pairs of her pants because they were too small for her and they fit me. This is odd because this has never happened before. My mother has always been on the thinner side. She was very athletic in her teens and continues to be active within her limitations (she has fibromyalgia). Since the death of my Grandfather in May, she has put on some weight, mostly due to stress eating she thinks. She asked today if she could join in to our challenge and join me in trying to get the weight off. Of course I said yes!!! I would love to have her support and to be able to support her. She can push my Dad in the right direction too, as I am trying to do with my hubby. I am really excited to have her join in with me!

Progress Evaluation

I am not happy with the progress I have made during this challenge. I am less than half way to my goal. For the last two weeks I have done nothing but move backwards. I have been eating crap since H-day. I am failing miserably.

I could give every excuse in the book, but the fact is this is how I operate. I get all hyped up and it lasts for about a month and then I go back to my old habits.

The thing is I really don't like that person. She is bitchy, she treats her husband like crap because she feels crappy about herself. She doesnt' spend enough time with her kids and would really rather not deal with them because she is so self involved and miserable. I don't want to be her anymore. I hate her.

I have to get back into that original mindset and start over. Maybe that is what I have to realize: That every day is a fresh start and I get to choose how it will go. I can't just rest on my laurels, I have to start over every day . For some people this may not be the case, but for me it is.

I wish it were different but its not. If wishes were pennies I'd be a millionare.

I must get my arse in gear.

Time with the girl!

I am taking my dd to HSM3 tonight. I've had the tickets since Monday to make absolutely sure we get in. We've been disappointed before. I'll take her out to supper and then she'll get some popcorn there. I'm going to stay away from the popcorn (it doesn't like me lately). I really hope she has fun. It is going to be great to have some special Mommy-daughter time.

Boys will be boys....but do they have to??

I got my first phone call home from a teacher today. My dd is in grade 4 and NEVER a call home. Ds has only been in school for 2 months. He bit a little girl on the cheek. They were having an argument over what shoes he should wear home, and when she wouldn't stop insisting that he wear his insides home, he bit her. AARRGGHHH!

He is a very intelligent child but very emotionally immature. I don't know what to do with him. He changes the subject every time I try to talk to him about this kind of behavior. He gets very upset and irrational. He tends to be a catastrophizer ("not now" means "never ever again".) He has a stubborn streak a mile wide. This is the way he has always been. When he was 2 he would spend an hour in time out rather than admit he had misbehaved and apologize.

We have a program in our school system called CARES (children at risk experiencing success). I teach this at my school and I'm wondering if he might benefit from a short time in it. The CARES teacher at their school is a man, which he may be more receptive to. He needs to learn strategies to cope with his frustration and he doesn't want to listen to Mommy or Daddy. *sigh* I'm at a loss.

I did make him write a letter apologizing to the little girl and there was no TV and computer tonight (not that he gets much of that anyway).

On the weight loss front, I stayed within my points today and got a ton of exercise. Hopefully I will have a STS on Thursday but I think it may be a gain. I'm feeling like I've got this in hand again and am gaining some forward momentum. YAY ME!!

Why do I do this to myself?

I never really thought that TOM had much to do with my eating habits but I am starting to realize it does. I have been terrible for the last 3 days. I haven't exactly been cleaning out the cupboards but I have been snacking on just about anything that comes to hand (the worse for me the more I want it). I haven't done any exercise. I've been pathetic.

Tomorrow I need to get it back on track. If I have to do two walks a day for the next 4 days, I will. I have had 2 straight weeks with a loss and I want to continue that. I have to get my ass in gear. I feel gross and I want to feel good again.

Enough pity party for now. I'll be more cheery tomorrow.

I made it!

I made it through the weekend totally on plan. I am so proud of myself.

I had a great time at the pool tonight with the kidlets and Mike. We haven't gone in a while so it was nice to just play with the kids and have Mike there with us. He is so busy lately that the kids don't get to see him too much. Totally proud of my girl. She went off the high diving board. This is the kid who is petrified of heights. She did it 8 times!!!! If she can face that fear, I'm sure I can learn to face the fear of being thin.

Can't wait for weigh in on Thursday. I will keep this momentum going!!!!!

Start Fresh Monday....

...hopefully for the last time. I want to stop having "fresh starts", I'd like to be able to stay committed to this process all the time. Part of the problem with me on the weekends is that my hubby gets up for work at 5am. I don't get up with him and the kids are getting up on their own now. There are mornings where I don't wake up until 9 or 9:30. That completely throws me off for the day. I don't eat breakfast, I have a hard time getting my act together to get housework done. I know that these are excuses and they are going to stop now.



Here is my plan....I've asked my daughter to wake me when she wakes up on Saturday and Sunday (I don't often hear them until they start fighting :p) I am going to create a "honey-do" list for myself for the weekend on Friday night so that I have a solid plan of what needs to be done. Also its nice to have a list to cross things off of! Included on that list will be exercise for the weekend. I find it far too easy for the day to slip away and not have any kind of a workout done. I have started to plan out the meals for the week and I would like to try and get some of the meals pre-prepared on Sunday so that all I have to do is throw them into the oven during the week. I didn't get that done this week but I will next week.

Today's menu

b-oatmeal w/br sugar and milk 5pt
s- Activia 2pt
l - Bacon and egg sandwich (with fat free cheese) 7pt
s-coffee w/milk and twin 1pt
S-poached halibut w/salad and hollandaise sauce 7pt
s-100 cal graham crackers 2pt
s-banana w/milk 3pt

26/26

A day I never want to repeat

Today had to be one of the hardest days I have ever been through. I went in to school again today, again to act as a floater, just to be there in case anyone needed a break. And a few teachers did, needed time to get some planning done so that they could leave immediately following the funeral. The students were all great. They are so much more accepting than we adults are. The funeral was brutal. K broke my heart when she gave the eulogy. Being his teacher and his aunt made it doubly difficult for her.

I sat there thinking about this beautiful little boy and I was struck by how he had lived his life. He came into this world at a huge disadvantage but he never saw it like that. His parents could have kept him in a bubble, safe and secure, away from all infection and trouble, but they chose not to. They chose to allow him to live as normal a life as possible. He went to school, went four-wheeling with his dad, played like any other little boy with his buddies. He always had a smile, hardly ever complained even though he would be in extreme pain at times. He treated everyone equally, all were his friends.

He was a fine example to all of us. This weight issue is really just suicide by inches. I have been told over and over the consequences my obesity will eventually bring. I've seen it happen to family members. J grabbed life and squeezed every bit out of it he could. I sit and whine. Which of us has the better life???

Whinning time is done. I am finished. I have had it with myself. I have to realize that I am worth the effort. I am important to the people in my life and they deserve for me to do the best I can for them and myself.

Time to be honest

b-activia, pear 3pt
s-orange 2 pt
l-Lean Cuisine, and one bite of Lee's awesome Mac and Cheese 9pt
S- KFC (gag!) 20pt
s-milk 2pt

36/26

so 10 points of my flex used....... on crap...... again.

no exercise again. Tomorrow I am getting back on track and I hope that on Sunday I will be able prepare the weeks meals so that there will be no temptation for the quick and easy fix (aka fast food)

The Biggest Loser Blog Edition!!!!

I've signed up for the Biggest Loser Blog Edition! The challenge runs through to December 27th and I am hoping it will give me the boost I need to get a good start on this weight loss journey. Thanks Angie for having this brilliant idea.

You asked us to post our tricks, mental mind games, excuses etc that we play on ourselves. Boy do I have those. My biggest one I would have to say is the way I convince myself that I really do eat healthy. Well obviously not or I wouldn't be in this predicament, now would I?! I do like all the healthy foods, it's just that I really like all that other stuff too. I am also terrible at keeping to a routine. My home life is a mess, the only place I'm organized is at work. I have this tendency to start off with lots of passion and drive, but I quickly fizzle out. I think I bite off more than I can chew and it ends up being too much and I give up entirely. Then again that sounds like an excuse doesn't it!

I am determined to do this. I want to do this. I am sick of wishing I could loose weight. The fact is I haven't really ever tried before. Not really. Sure I've done WW and I've tried different diets but I've never really committed to it before. This is it. I'm done with being + size.

Yuck!!!

I picked the totally wrong time to start this. I have never been this sick in my life. My throat is on fire. I am on medicine but I'm just not getting any better. On the upside, I'm probaby losing weight because I can't eat. Not exactly the way I want to do it.

I didn't get the treadmill done but I did walk up the hill to get the kids from the bus. So there was some exercise there. Took a lot out of me to do. So proud of DD who took charge of her little brother and got him and herself a snack so that I could go lay down again. She is turning out to be such a wonderful little person.

I am going to continue to try and exercise and eat even though I feel horrible. I can't allow for any excuses. Right????