That would describe how I'm feeling right now. I've been down for the count with the flu since Sunday and finally took a "me" day today to try and rest. Unfortunately my DD stayed home from school as well (she was probably OK to go....I'm such a sucker) so not a whole lot of rest for me.
On the really great front...I started my new job Sunday. I'm really excited. From every thing I've learned thus far, they will be a great company to work for and my advancement seems to really be up to me. Won't that be nice to be in control of my own destiny for once (career wise at least). It is a complete departure from teaching, which I am still doing for my one day a week until my contract is up in June. I've had a lot of people ask me if I will be trying for a teaching job again next year...and as of this moment the answer is "no". The new job is part time to start, but they are looking to get me into full time as soon as it becomes available. If that is the case then I'm going to stick with them. I need a break from teaching, I have no idea if it will be permanent or not.
As far as the weight loss stuff goes....I haven't had the greatest of weeks, but then what else is new. TOM arrived (thank God) for his monthly visit, which put me up 5 lbs in two days. I felt so bloated. On the plus side, the flu has left me with no appetite so I've re-lost (is that a word?) said 5 lbs. If I have a loss again tomorrow I'll be satisfied. I've fallen in to some prior bad habits (i.e. fast food, hereby known as the F word) that I really need to get back out of again. My dreadmill is getting dusty, so as soon as this elephant stops sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe, I'll be getting back at it. The weather is starting to turn the corner and I'm excited to get back outside for my walks.
I know this is a long post but bear with me. New job = new people in my life. Several of the new ladies and gents I work with are also struggling with weight issues. Here's the problem. I sat down with a few folks yesterday for lunch and the topic eventually turned to weight and all that goes with it. (why does the conversation always go this way when you get a group of women together????) I was disturbed by what I heard. So many of the "reasons" I had used in the past were given as to why certain people were a certain way. My favorite of course is the "I don't really eat that much, my metabolism is just slow". There was a lot of "I'm happy with how I look, but it would be nice to get healthier" with absolutely no idea as to how he/she might achieve that. This is how I used to talk to myself, and it was difficult to hear from other people, and to see it for the bullshit that it really is.
I'm also confronted with the fact that out of the 40 or so new people I work with, only one of them knows me and knows that I have, indeed, made great progress this year. I'm looking at myself through their eyes and I still see a really big woman who has a long way to go. I almost feel as though I've lost all the ground I gained this year, because essentially, I am starting with a clean slate with these people. Not that I need validation from them.
I don't know if I'm saying this at all well.
Let me try it a different way. I've been feeling really good about the changes in my shape, the increase in my physical fitness etc. I don't feel like a "fat chick" anymore because I am on my way to a healthier me. Yet when these people see me I am just one of the "fat chicks". It just feels kind of disheartening because I feel somewhat like I have to start at square one again. I know that this is all just my perception of what I think people are thinking, and is probably not based in reality at all. Just when I look at myself through their eyes, I gain 20 lbs instantaneously.
Okay, end of very long post. Thanks for listening ;-D